The term "friends with benefits" is nothing new. It was around back when I was in college, which was at least 10 years ago. Personally, I've been in situations where a guy I've been hanging out with will say they want to take things to the next level - meaning sex, OR be more than just friends - meaning sex. I never got my hipsters in a bunch over it. If I was not interested in that person physically, I would just tell them that I only thought of them as a friend and they either respected that or dropped off the face of the Earth.
About 3 years ago, one of my closest male friends propositioned me. He said to me, "I'm single, you're single. What do you think about us hooking up?" In my head I was like, "What the hell for? I do not like you like that!" but I told him politely that I didn't think about him in that way and I couldn't see myself doing anything physical with him. He was really cool about it. He was worried that he may have offended me with his abrupt proposition but I assured him that we were still cool. The friendship picked up right where it left off. I put that night out of my mind and there was no awkwardness between us.
Flash forward 3 years... Said friend and I are hanging out one evening, and he goes, "Are you seeing anyone? Let me ask you another question... do you find me attractive?" Caught off guard, I zoned out for a bit, only to hear him end with, "Would it be okay if I kissed you?"
In my head, I was like, "Seriously? Again?" but the curious side of me wanted to see what it would feel like so we kissed for all of 3 seconds and it was... nice. I thought, "Cool. It wasn't like kissing my brother (ewww), I don't feel uncomfortable around him, nothing negative came of it."
Then things got a little messy...
He basically wanted to pick up where we left off that night and take things further. I entertained the thought at first. Then I had my wake-up call.
I thought to myself, "Gee, this guy has never really spent a dime on me, has never romanced me with his poetry, has never approached me on a "I think highly of you, you're girlfriend material" tip. In actuality, he's meeting girls online all the time as well as flirting with them on Facebook. He is looking for someone dateable and he does not see me as dateable. Should I feel flattered that he wants to sleep with me? Hell no!" I could not understand how someone who loved me as a person and was physically attracted to me would not see me in a romantic light. All he wanted from me was sex. It was a blow to my self-esteem.
As the woman, the one who holds the cookie, why not save it for someone you're actually dating, give it to someone who's actually interested in you - in a situation where it could lead to something more - a long-term relationship, a commitment... marriage?
If you’re not looking for a commitment (and at age 30, I am), why not save it for someone you're madly attracted to as opposed to settling for someone who you originally put in the "friend zone" for a reason?
It’s as though we constantly have to assess our self-worth and behave accordingly… making no exceptions.
The friends with benefits thing works best when the arrangement is convenient for both parties and both parties are able to seperate sex from love and therefore not catch feelings. What's convenient isn't always what's best for us though. Food for thought.
No comments:
Post a Comment